I like Formula One, especially when my heroes are winning, and this season has been full of surprises. Here’s one that I picked up recently from the world of F1. Glad to know even that vaunted sport is not spared.
“‘News of the discontent at Brawn has filtered down the pit lane prompting rival teams, including Red Bull, McLaren and Ferrari, to attempt to lure the top brains behind the championship-winning car with lucrative job offers.’
Brawn chief executive Nick Fry, though, insists he is unaware of any unhappiness in the camp.
“No one has said anything to me about this,” Fry told the paper. “I am extremely surprised. We will look into any concerns that people have, though I am not aware of any. As far as we are concerned these are internal matters but if there is an issue with anybody we are quite happy to talk to them about it.”
Sound familiar?
You probably know a company or two where everyone’s fed up with the working conditions. The grapevine’s busy with crude jokes and cartoons about senior management. Its been going on a while. Some are so pissed they argue openly with managers. Then when you ask the CEO about it, he’ll go, “No, I’m not aware of this. No one told me. I am extremely surprised.” 
You also know companies whose customers are so pissed at their services they go to blogosphere for a noisy roasting. A hundred comments pour in from other similarly pissed customers. But ask the CEO and he’ll say, “No, I’ve never received a single complaint. I’m surprised. As far as I know, everything’s fine.”
So what do you do with such a CEO? Or more precisely, what should the board do with him?
Fire him?
Haha, in your dreams. Come year end, 9 out of 10 times they will give him a handsome raise and renew his contract for another 2 years. Yes! Give us more of your magic!! the board says.
If you doubt this, go read the local papers. See what’s happening in companies where morale is at rock bottom. See how the CEO’s contract gets renewed every time, with a nice bonus thrown in.
So all you management gurus, care to tell me what’s up?
I can only guess and here is my guess. It has nothing to do with morale. It has everything to do with numbers.
Okay, here’s what I’d do if I were the evil CEO.
See, sometimes when shareholders are clamoring for numbers and sales figures aren’t good enough, the only way to make profits look good is to revert to that old trick – cut costs.
So I cut corners. I reduce training. I do away with the coffee and tea in the pantry, the subsidized parking, the toilet paper. I axe the company trip and annual dinner. I also cut extra services to customers. No more refillable soda at the counter. Whatever I can restrict I restrict.
The staff will be pissed. So will the customers but I will give just enough not to scare off my most valuable customers. The 20% who gives me 80% of my money. I also look after the staff who keep this 20% happy. The rest of them I wouldn’t give a sh*t.
Meanwhile I will get ready for half the company to leave in disgust but I already have plans to get new blood in so go ahead make my day. Leave if you want.
The immediate effect: sales stay the same but because my costs go down, my profit goes up. The staff curses and swears at me but the board loves my numbers. I get my contract renewed.
I know what you’re thinking. How long can this go on? I agree. But it buys me time to clean house and get something going with the new blood I’m getting from the outside. New brooms sweep the best you see.
If that doesn’t happen, simple. I’ll just cite uncontrollable market changes, propose a buyout or merger and with some accounting magic, I still come up ahead.
Now you know why evil CEOs survive. But you know what? He’s not the only one to blame. Think of your hunger for good P/E ratios if you happen to have a few lots of the company’s shares.
That’s “c” as in check you dunderheads. Or cheque as you guys spell it here. Yeah my friend Jasmine just received her first big payoff for a freelance job as a copywriter. A bunch of us went out last night in typical Asian style to help her spend some of her fortune. Thanks J.
I wanna talk about viral magic today. If you’ve dug around the net a bit, you might have bumped into something with a title like “Her first big …..” Its not everywhere but its starting to get viral (noticeable), the use of similar sounding titles I mean, not the content, especially if you stray into that area where clothes are optional.
Ok, porn. There, I said it.
And no, its not my habit to hang out there. Got better things to do with my time. Its just interesting where you end up when you innocently follow one link to the next.
Now me being me, I do have one habit. I tend to question the truth or validity of the words I see. Yeah, irritating. So if a product flyer says, “We’re No. 1 worldwide!” I say, “Really? Let me check on that.” Sometimes I find they are no. 1 in some freaky category, like first in the world with blue durians that smell like strawberries, something like that. Sometimes the claim turns out to be anything but true.
So media titles like “Her first big…” got me thinking. How did the producers of the flick know it was her first big …? I mean with her skills, she obviously had plenty but its like saying its her first delicious cupcake. What if she went to that other shop tomorrow and ate an even more delicious cupcake. Would she still say that previous cupcake was her first delicious cupcake? Furthermore, for that claim to be true there would have to be an independent 3rd party there to confirm that it was indeed her first big whatever. That 3rd party would have to check her background and activity history to confirm or refute the claim of it being the “first”.
Only then we have a believable title.
You see where I’m getting at? Truth in advertising FTW!!! Hehe.
There’s another increasing trend I spot on the net that I have no idea where or how it started. In blogs, pictures or videos, have you ever come across titles like this one – “Cute Mei Ling loves to camwhore in her pink cardigan while holding a cup of tea with her left pinkie.”
Aww come on, gimme a break. How on earth does a blogger know that Mei Ling “loved” to do whatever she was doing? What if she did it because she had no choice? Or that she was paid to do it, and that if you paid her a little more she would have “loved” to pose in the green cardigan and she won’t “love” the pink one? And uhh… is that your definition of “cute”?
Okay, I’m laughing my ass off. My IQ just dropped 10 points in the last 60 seconds. Seriously dude, if you believe any of these titles, you obviously need your head checked. But you know what’s interesting? Its how you don’t have to be smart to attract eyeballs. Sometimes you just have to appear lame and make it sound so irritatingly ridiculous that people must go check it out, if nothing else just to see how someone can be so lame.
Conclusion? Its not always the high IQ stuff that gets the attention.
Think about it the next time you advertise.
Overheard (again) in a coffee shop:
“No, you have to be a dominant character in business. Otherwise you cannot win!”
Wow, no shit.
Ok I guess it is true, in a world where intimidation is the only road to success. The question is, is that how you’ve set yourself up?
I say “set yourself up” on purpose because I believe that’s exactly what it is, a choice. We choose to jump into a crowded market with a product with plenty of substitutes. We choose to cling to suppliers with a disproportionate bargaining power over us. We choose to hire staff without conducting background checks. Then to have it go our way, we tell ourselves we need an iron fist.
There are many ways to get the same results. How about not selling products that every guy and his brother are selling. How about dealing only with suppliers with roughly equal bargaining power. Or doing some work and actually filter job candidates before you hire them.
But you wouldn’t like that would you. Its a lot more fun to just fling the doors wide open and lie in wait with a baseball bat, as many alpha types would prefer to do. No need to think so hard.
I came to this disturbing conclusion after observing something funny. A company says its has a problem. Only a dominant guy can solve it. Then I find that these problems are self inflicted. Problems easily avoided if only people were mindful enough. For instance, why would a company tell you people are its best assets, put you though the most laughable hiring process and then spend thousands getting dominant managers on board to get rid of the misfits and troublemakers they wrongly hired? 
But I can’t ignore the bizarre side of the picture too. The side where the highly dominant and the passive/timid actually meet to serve each other’s twisted needs. You’ve seen them before. Those with an intense craving to be in control of something just to feel good about themselves, and those that say, “Please master, control me!!” just to feel they’re not hopelessly lost. It would’ve been funny if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. Sick.
So in my opinion dominance = success is a myth. If you’re struggling to win the race despite being the little dictator at the shop, check your tires or your spark plugs, cause sometimes its not the lack of aggressive power in your engine that’s failing you.
Dear Damien,
After being at my wits end for a year, I tendered my resignation last week and am serving my notice. But guess what? My company decided to give me a counter offer. A promotion to Assistant Manager position and an immediate 20% raise which I had been fighting for all along. This package puts it at par with the offer that I got outside. Should I take the counter offer?
Dear Megan,
If it was the highest bidder you were after, then you should go to whoever pays you higher, even if its $100 more. There’s nothing to think about.
But if its more than just about money, then think before you jump. There’s pros and cons to everything.
First, the pros. If your initial gripe was about money and position, then you got what you wanted. You need not re-learn anything. You know your way around, people know you, life goes on as usual. The difference is you having more money in your pocket and a more flattering title on your business card.
The cons: History can and will often repeat itself.
By giving you a counter offer, the company basically admits its a poor judge of talent and a worse one at handling it. Perhaps they didn’t think you were worth that much. Or perhaps they did, but they thought they could get away with underpaying you. If its the latter, then you know there’s something fundamentally dishonest about that counter offer.
Personally, I think the cons are bigger than the pros. Why do I say that?
Because by taking the offer, you’d be falling back on the same old mechanism that screwed you over in the first place. Unless they’ll make changes like transferring you to a new boss who actually knows what he’s doing, who’s to say you won’t find yourself in the same situation next year?
Second is what accepting a counter offer might say about you as a person and its usually along the lines of money can silence you. You can be bought. True or not, its a perception. A statement of character. It can impact your superiors’ choices about you later. The more senior you are, the more damaging u-turns can be to you.
So my advice to you is, before you accept a counter offer, ask them some hard questions like
1. Why the counter offer and why now
2. How did they drive you to a point where you felt you had to leave to save your career
3. What are their plans for your future
4. Will they put you in this situation again
Only reconsider your departure if real reconciliation is possible. If not, you’re better off elsewhere.
Good luck.
Since the bulk of the questions I get from disgruntled corporate types (well actually it was only 3 or 4) focus on mostly one problem – the boss – let me condense my response into one post. As usual, its only my opinion so don’t take it too seriously, haha.
Ready? Here goes.
Damien’s Guide to Getting a Promotion
1. Go catch your boss on a good day, sit him down and ask him, “Boss, if I deliver these few things to you, will you promote me/give me a raise?”
2. As most bosses do, you will catch him by surprise. After going “Ahemm..” a few times he’ll say, “Meet all your KPIs first then we’ll talk about it.” Then you can quote, “But last year I (or someone you know) did meet all my KPIs but how come there was no promotion?” Wanna know a secret? KPIs are not a criteria for promotion. Its just a mechanism to determine if they’ve put you on the right job. They just don’t tell you that.
3. After he breaks out in sweat, you play innocent and put the ball firmly into his court by saying, “Okay, then please tell me what I need to do to get promoted.”
4. He’ll pause to think then tell you a string of things he wants you to do, just to get you off his back. Listen carefully, commit them to memory. Then repeat them to him at the end of the conversation just to make sure you didn’t miss anything out. And oh, its good to remember to ask him if he’ll be giving you the resources to do all these wonderful things, just so you both know he’s not sending you out on Mission Impossible.
5. Within 24 hours of the meeting, send him an e-mail thanking him for finally shedding some light at the end of your tunnel. Repeat the list of things he wants you to achieve and tell him how happy you are that he has agreed to promote you once you get all that done, per your chat with him. Then send a discrete copy to HR for their record. (This is important.)
6. Then go do your thing. Everytime you hit a deliverable, send your boss an email to say, “Boss, one down, 5 more to go!” or something like that. Print it out, keep it in your private file. Create some excitement around your achievement, take your boss out to lunch, leave some chocolates on his desk with a note, do something. This is to cure the short corporate memory disease. Oh yes, and keep the details of your deliverables in a private file for year end review just in case.
7. Keep repeating #6 until you’ve delivered all your deliverables. When its done, just to close the loop, write a simple wrap-up e-mail to your boss affirming what you’ve delivered and when. Again, cc a discrete copy to HR. That should do it.
8. At annual review time, after your boss has done the usual KPI thing, tell him how you’re taking a few days off on a short holiday to celebrate because you’re finally getting promoted, now that you’ve delivered everything he wanted. Get your file ready in case he “forgot” what you’re talking about.
9. Enjoy your promotion, buy me lunch.
Well, okay that last one is optional.
But on a serious note…
On D-Day your boss will have a choice. Keep his side of the bargain or risk a grievance process. I assume that after a couple of years of not being promoted despite meeting your numbers, you are more than ready to hang him.
Don’t forget, your paper trail on the negotiated deal has gone on record in HR. It can be forwarded to your boss’s boss if necessary, complete with info to back up your deliverables.
And the risk to your manager for not keeping his word? One’s credibility can be battered only so many times before a question hangs over one’s head: if this manager can be snookered into making promises he can’t keep, should I, as CEO, risk letting him loose among my clients?
One last thing. When doing all this, you keep it positive. The idea is for you and your boss to help each other move up the ladder. When you rise, he rises. When you fall, he falls. Despite the misgivings, you depend on each other. Don’t forget that.
Good luck.
Or should I say, I don’t play hard enough.
I completely zoned out yesterday after the non-stop running about Friday to Tuesday. Completely fell asleep in my seat on the way back from Hong Kong as I was thinking if I had left something out of my routine that’s causing me to be this easily tired.
Yeah, I know. I’m not exercising enough.
All this while I’ve been spending time sitting on a comfortable chair in the office, sitting in a comfortable seat in the car, sitting on a comfortable mat at home every day. Its office, home, office, home. Weekends its probably a movie or a flight to my Sg home. More sitting.
So I decided to do something about it this trip. I’ll boycott the cabs. Yup, I’ll walk between the Four Seasons, the place where I shacked up and Des Voeux Road, the place where I did my work just for the exercise.
It’s a good 15 minute walk at Hong Kong pace. That’s twice faster than Singapore’s walking pace and 4 times faster than Malaysia’s. Still, I was flat out tired by dinner time.
Maybe its time for me to join a gym when I get back. Should I, after what happened last year…?
What about you, what do you do for exercise?
Or are we letting our tummies rise up like yeast buns, haha.
(Auto posted post. I am away in Hong Kong till Wednesday.)
From another digruntled corporate warrior whom I ran into, which I again present in the form of a letter:
Dear Damien, I’m at my wits end. They passed me over for a promotion yet again. I don’t understand it. I stay late at the office every day, I meet the objectives they set for me, and I go out of my way to be useful not just to my boss but to everyone in my department. I really thought I would be the one promoted but you know what happened? They put out a job ad and gave it to someone else, someone who I’m told has less experience than I do. Damien I have been stuck in this same position for 3 years. I don’t want to be stuck here for another 3 more. A few people who joined this company the same time I did have already got their promotions. I’m so pissed. What should I do?
Dear Carl (not his real name), it is important that you understand why this is happening so you can avoid a repeat later. As I don’t know the real status of your relationship with your boss, I’ll work with what you’ve told me. Assuming that you’ve met all your work goals and you’re still denied a promotion, ask yourself if any of these is likely.
First, did your department goals change when you weren’t looking? Markets, alliances and strategies can flip overnight and your boss could be under instructions from higher up to get some new skills on board. Skills you may not have.
Second, so you received an award as the guy who delivers on time with zero defects but do the bosses also know you as someone who’s clueless about handling people? Or problems on a bigger scale? To them you may not be promoteable material.
Third, is there some bad blood between you and your boss? If he sees you as a threat or a liability he may have frozen your promotion as a way to make you leave. Unfortunately promotions are discretionary, meaning its entirely up to your boss. Its just how the system works.
Fourth, are your talents making you indispensable to your boss and will promoting you create a bigger problem than what he’s prepared to handle?
Fifth, have you gotten too close to your boss? Do you know why a wife tells her friends, “My husband? He save money? LOL!! ” when unknown to her, the husband had been diligently stashing $$ in the bank? Its a fact that some people underestimate those they are closest to. Husbands do that to their wives, managers do that to their staff. It is also known as the familiarity breeds contempt syndrome.
I have a hunch you might fall into one of these categories and if you do, then my advice is simple.
If you can’t climb, jump.
Look for another job that’ll give you a higher position based on your experience.
Don’t give me the thing about losing your seniority because you know why? The world has changed. Speed and talent are the new bargaining chips. You may hang on to your seniority but if your track record shows hostility towards change, you’re toast.
One last thing. You might feel that jumping will defocus you. Not true if you are just switching vehicles while traveling in the same direction. Let us be practical. If you have a schedule to keep and your train is developing problems, you change trains. Getting ahead is not just about keeping focus. Its also about making a few cleverly timed moves while keeping that focus.
